Why all those boys?

There are so many memories of my childhood that I don't want to forget or I may not be able to remember that I really want to tell about some of my issues growing up and what I believe caused them.  If you've read from 3 years ago, you know that my mom, Kaye and my daddy, Jerry had me when they were 30 & 32... 1975.  At that point, Angie was already 7 and Kim came along exactly a year & 2 weeks later.  During those years, we lived at our house on Matterhorn Drive in Shiloh.  My grandmother, Corrine Hall Sellars, was in a nursing home (with HD) in Smithville, so that is the only way we ever knew/saw her.  But my grandfather, Frank Sellars, who lived in Alexandria, would come and visit almost every Saturday morning.  Both my dad and my grandfather were the type of men who believed it was pretty much the woman's job to do everything.  So he would show up early on Saturday expecting mom to fix them breakfast.  My dad would also give my sister, Angie, hard jobs to do fo a 10-12 year old.  She did all of the outside work and they watched.  My daddy also had a short temper and could get violent.  He was always hitting my mom and us.  I can remember one day he knocked her out cold... I ran outside screaming that my mom needed help because she was dead.  He also liked to use his biggest belt with holes in it to spank us...often. Still to this day, I am not sure how much of his "personality" was caused by HD and how much was just him.  I do know my mom says he was like this even before they were married and he was unfaithful several times.  Needless to say, ours was not a peaceful home.  When I was about 5, he went and spent a couple of days at the VA hospital to run tests to see if he was showing signs of HD.  He was beginning to have a few movements and he felt his memory wasn't as good at work.  The tests at that time were not clear but they did send him to a neurologist who put him on Haldol.  Unfortunately there were no antidepressants then and there were no drugs to help with chorea.  The haldol was to help with his moods but it can have serious side affects.  On Sunday, November 7, we had plans to go to my mom's parents(mama evelyn & granddaddy) for granddaddy's birthday.  We went to our church and afterward we were going to come home & get daddy & to to Alexandria (where they lived).  When we got home, my mom found my daddy dead in our garage.  He had shot himself with a shotgun in his head.  This day would forever change the course of our lives.  No personal note... My mom, at 37, had to step up and help raise 3 girls while she was grieving.  During this time, we became more involved in our church, Lakeview Baptist, and they were such a comfort to us all.  It was just us 4 girls for a few months until my mom started dating...which did not go over well.  The summer after his death, she was introduced to Travis Hearn who was the brother to a friend from church.  They hit it off immediately and wanted to get married!!  He also had 2 sons, Chip who was 17 and in his sr. year at McGavock and Trevor, who was 13.  Obviously there were no homes around that might hold us all so Travis decided they would "add on" 3 bedrooms, 2 baths , a dining room & living room!!  It was crazy!  Until it got built, Chip lived in Hendersonville w/his grandmother, and Angie shared her bed w/me or Kim.  And the other tiny room had 2 twin beds in it where Trevor and me or Kim would sleep.  Talk about Brady Bunch!!  It sounds wonderful but for a few years it was rocky...  Travis wanted Chip & Trevor to treat my mom like their own mom which wasn't realistic... and Angie was horrible to Travis.  Me and Kim tried hard to stay out of arguments.  But when they married on September16, 1983...my daddy had not been dead a year.  Looking back, I think why in the world didn't we have some kind of help/counseling but we didn't.  And I feel like many of my choices in my life have been made because I never had a great relationship with a "father figure" until my teens and by that point it was too late.  I was lonely for male attention.  I was the girl in the 5th grade that had a "boyfriend" I hardly talked to.  And in 6th grade I had my first date with Daniel Rieffer from church.  He was in 7th grade and was in Junior High & he invited me to their spring dance!  Parents let me go because his parents were taking us and picking us up... just to put my input in here... Kids are a bit too young in 6th grade to be "going on any date!"  Our church was also different than the one we are at now...thank goodness!  They didn't mind, actually encouraged the whole boy/girl friend thing.  Because after all, we were with other church kids, right?  ;)  In junior high, it was one boyfriend after another...if I found out a boy liked me, I would sometimes break up w/my current one just to "go with this one!"  Jeremy Perger, 15 and from chuch...too old for an 12 year old, was the one I "dated"/fought with thru most 7,8 & 9th grade.  And it got way too serious for kids our age.  Then there was Jerry Baskin, who I dated from halfway through 9th grade to halfway thru 11th.  Again, he was 2 years older and from church.  At least I was old enough by then to begin to truly understand  love, however, at that point in my life, I still didn't know who I was.  So, everything Jerry liked, Anita liked.  He loved watching baseball and we spent hours eating banana popcicles and watching the Braves...He also had/has a wonderful family that would include me in their trips and drive me to his games.  He went to Friendship Christian School and graduated 2 years ahead of me.  I guess that's when things started changing for the both of us.  He was still trying to figure out what he wanted to do and I was beginning to want to stretch my wings.  Which leads me to the relationship that, except for Chip, has probably changed my life the most.  Jason Hass and I had become instant friends in 9th grade... Mr. Climer's class.  He sat at the front of the room and I sat in the same row in the very back.  When we would finish our work, Mr.Climer would let us talk...which always meant Jason would come to the back of the row and sit on the floor to talk.  Most of the friends I had were from elementary or I had at least known them since 7th grade but Jason was new that year.  He was originally from Michigan and he had spent a year in Bellevue before they moved to MJ to be closer to his dad's job in Lebanon.  Jason was always ready for an argument but could also make you laugh in a second.  It was that year that Jason made me a promise... he was going to win my heart by the time we graduated and he was going to marry me...again always a jokester!  Obviously, Jerry didn't care for Jason as my friend and the feelings were mutual!  Jason had a November birthday so he was always almost a year older so in 10 grade he got his license and a job a Food Max.  That summer, when I was still 15, I remember having my wisdom teeth out and he came over to visit.  I was craving a 2cheeseburger meal from McDonalds and he went & got it for me..he would also take me home from school sometimes when he didn't have to work or play ball.  When I turned 16, Jerry and I were still serious, in fact he gave me a promise ring.  During this time Jason also started dating a friend of ours named Mandy and we even double dated at a valentine banquet from TroySimpson's church(he was my date).  It was the end of November in our jr year and Jason's birthday (22nd) had just passed and he and Mandy had just broke up...as well as me and Jerry.  To cheer him up, my best friend (Jill Hutcheson) and I decided to take him to the football game that friday night.  It was one of the coldest games I have ever been to!!  But we were each sitting with Jason in the middle and having fun.  We also had a blanket over us.  And that is when Jason Hass first held my hand... I know it was for warmth but it was also the first time I seriously gave thought to what it would be like to be with him???  Of course at that point, I needed another excuse to see him & figure things out so we decided that he & I would finish celebrating his birthday the next day.  We went to eat at "The Cooker" with my sister, KIm and her date, Brad Officer.  And then he and I went to see"Cape Fear."  It was the strangest thing...suddenly we were more aware of each other and I was scared to death. But we did hold hands through the whole movie which felt very right.  I know he was just as confused/freaked out as I was because he asked me that night if we could talk about "what was happening" between us the next afternoon after work. After all, we were the best of friends and the worst thing that we could do is ruin that.   I cannot recall the conversation but I do remember us deciding that we both wanted to give it a try...

Guilt!!!

So, I have a good friend, Gabe Segovia, who found out last summer that he had an inoperable tumor on his brain.  The tumor was wrapped around the thalymus? of his brain and evidently that is not a place you want to be cutting.  So radiation and chemotherapy were the only options which he did and did remarkably well.  The doctors are still amazed at the work that had to be God because it had shrunk by 95% after the first rounds.  He is still doing chemo but no more radiation andhe is doing great.  The reason I titled this "guilt" is because of what Gabe has been doing since he found out about his tumor.  He has been posting everything from his life on facebook.  Every picture from highschool.  Every memory, taking pics of friends now and writing about them.  He has also come to know Jesus through this experience and is has been an amazing journey.  I am jealous that I have not done more to record my life.  I have always been terrible at taking pics and worse about having them developed.  I want to leave something for my husband, kids, famiy, friends and grandkids to know more about who I was.  Last December I had to quit working at the preschool and this past July I had to stop driving.  You would think I would be able to find the time to write a little a day but I always put it off. 
One of the hardest parts is not knowing where to start because there is so much that has happened that has gotten me where I am right now... today.  So, I decided to simply start with today, which actually has started out to be pretty good.  Cole plays on the Upward Basketball team at church and Chip is his coach.  This is their 7th year playing.. a bit sad that this will be his last year since it is only K-6.  My sweet husband is feeling guilty over how badly we beat the other team... they only scored 3 points and we stopped counting at like 50.  Cole scored 3 goals and I was proud! 
Also been thinking a lot about my "Bucket List" lately.  So many places I wanted to see that I know aren't going to happen.  Going to another country for a mission trip has always been a huge dream of mine.  Our church has been going to help out at an orphanage in Africa for the past 6 years but it is very expensive and would be very difficult for me physically.  There is going to be a trip to Peru, however, in October during the kids fall break and it is much less extensive than Africa...as well as cheaper.  We are thinking about me and shelby going.  I have really got to pray that this is something I can really do because I cannot back out once I've committed & 2 weeks away is a long time. 
I've been trying to talk to Shelby about "matters of the heart" because I'm afraid I won't be around when it counts.  This goes for Cole too...the thought of either of them getting their hearts broken hurts me becuase I remember.  And if I could spare them that, I would!  This quote I found today is great...

As you grow up, you will have your heart broken more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it feels when yours was broken.  You'll fight with your best friend.  You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.  So take too many pictures.  Laugh too much and love like you've never been hurt.  Because every 60 seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.


There is also a song sung by Lee Ann Womack title " I Hope You Dance " and it has a special place in my heart.  I want my kids to remember that there will be times in life when life isn't easy but I don't want that to stop that from taking chances.

"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder.  You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger. May you never take one single breath for granted.  God forbid love ever leave you empty handed.  I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean.  Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens.  Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance.  When you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.  I hope you dance.
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance.  Never settle for the  path of least resistance.  Living might mean taking chances but it's worth taking.  Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making.  Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter.  When you come close to selling out, reconsider.  Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance.  And when you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.  I hope you dance!!

That says it all  doesn't it!!?

I need your help... I am trying to

I need

My List

In the fall, Erika Mannen started a small Bible study at her house and we met every other Wednesday.  It was her, myself, Marla, Carol and Julie Moore.  The study and fellowship was good...especially since Erika knew that a large bible study setting like at church was too much for me so I appreciated it.  We began another book/study in February.  The author is Ann Voskamp and the book is about being thankful for the things we have around us everyday that we might not take the time to appreciate.

I need therapy...

So much has happened and changed that I truly haven't wanted to write.  But blogging is therapy and I need therapy.  I have been/am in a more difficult place these days and maybe it will help just to write them out. 

Why I stopped writing...

I know it has been a very long time since I have written. To be honest, I got into a depression, and it once you get down, it is hard to get back up. Then I just didn't want to write about it. And the longer it got, the less I wanted to talk. But I know it will help me move on and catch up if I tell you what was going on last May when I stopped writing. A couple of things happened that will seem pretty insignificant now looking back but it wasn't then. First of all, I got hurt by a close friend that I look up to very much. I felt betrayed and it sent me into a depression. Even though we worked things out, it was very hard to "get over it."