16 years and counting!!!

At this exact time 16 years ago, I was having breakfast at the waffle house with my friends, Cary, Laura, Sherry and Heath.  We had spent the night at the Holiday Inn Express just off of exit 11 in Clarksville.  The night before we had our rehearsal and then had our rehearsal dinner, which was wonderfully cooked by Virginia (Chip's Mom) at the Trahern Mansion.  We wanted the night to be special so we invited lots of friends, not just ones who were in the wedding.  After that, I did not want to go all the way back home to Mount Juliet with my parents so I stayed in the hotel and Laura and Cary stayed with me.  Sherry and Heath also came in from Mississippi and stayed with us.  After breakfast, we went back to the room to get ready...we had to be at the church at 12:00pm for pics and the wedding was at 2:00pm.  The one thing I remember about getting ready in the room at the hotel was how nervous Laura was.  She was a wreck and she was making the rest of us nuts.  Once we got to the church, which was Little Hope Baptist Church (yes, I get the joke), we finished getting ready.  I remember feeling so calm about the day and everyone else was a bundle of nerves.  Probably because I had not planned several things well... for instance, the bridesmaid dresses were horrible.  I loved the color but everyone was falling out of them.  I also didn't think too much about the music....Rachel Arvin, bless her heart, was not given much/if any time to practice with my singers.  And I had not picked out any prewedding music so she had to use songs that Sherry had picked out for her wedding...I am sorry.  My singers were Beau Nave, who sang "Keeper of the Stars" and Kim Jones (Chip's sister) sang "Sunrise, Sunset."  I remember being in the "waiting room" and being so hot that I would sit down and slip the top half of my dress down...I was still covered just not so hot.  And every single time I would finally get comfortable, the video guy would come in....he learned after a couple of times to knock first!  Most of you know that my step dad was like my own dad and I picked out a song when I was a young teen and told him I was going to have it played at my wedding.  We found a copy, a cassette actually, and it didn't sound great but it was precious.  The name of it was something like "You will always be the only man in my heart.."  It was very special to me and I am so thankful he was able to walk me down the aisle.  When I did walk down the aisle, my sweet husband to be sang "Forever is as far as I'll go" and it was beautiful.  Before the ceremony, I had some of my sorority sisters light our candles for us and I thought that was very cool.  I wish I could have included so many more of my special friends in our day but I couldn't..we were all broke!!  My bridesmaids were my sisters Angie and Kim, Kim Jones, Carla Jackson, Cary McCain, and Sherry Grove.  Chip's guys were his Dad, Brent Dukes, Brad Lake, Todd Turner and ??? gone blank.  His brother Randy performed the ceremony which was special.  We had him use the same vows that my mom and dad had used years ago which was pretty cool.
Because we were broke and did not have the money to "go all out" we had a typical, cake, mints, nuts and punch reception.  Also it was a bit cheesy but we did have the ADPi's sing "Little ADPi DPi, like a gem you are, I believe that you must have been a star..." and the Sigma Chi's sang the Sweetheart Song which I cannot recall right now.  My white blazer was our "get away car" and needless to say, we had to stop pretty quickly after we left to remove some of the "gifts" left on it.  We were pelted with birdseed which I was finding in my clothes and hair for a couple of days!  We went to the Music City Sheraton that night and had dinner in the revolving restaurant.  It was way too fancy and expensive for us...we ended up ordering a pizza later that night!!  I was still in school at the time and we got married during our spring break so  I had to be back at school the following Monday!  We had originally planned to get married May 18 and then go on a week cruise/disney vacation.  But the way the summer classes fell, if I wanted to graduate early, I had to split the wedding and the honeymoon.  Which was also fun!!  My mom worried that people would think I was moving it up because I was pregnant which some of them probably did.  It was probably the same people who said we were getting married too young and we didn't know what we were doing.  There are many regrets I have....like wasting so much of my time on guys that were so bad for me...but marrying Chip is not one of them. 

Today I am so thankful for my special husband.  If you know me, you know that I am pretty high maintaince but he is so kind and patient.

My very own "Spirtual Director"

Last week, I had lunch with my friend Whitney, who is the wife of a great friend of mine from high school, Troy Simpson.  Whitney has been an inspiration to me for over 4 years now when I discovered her blog about her recovery from brain surgery.  She is what inspired me to start writing back then.  Since then, Whitney has been called by God to help those who are battling physical ailments by spiritually guiding them.  For anyone who has had a disease, chronic illness or pain, you know that it is easy to get "down" spiritually.  And that is what Whitney is going to do for and with me and I am so excited!  I do not go to counseling, even though I have often thought I should.  And since I can't drive now, Whitney will be coming to my house once a month.  I truly believe Whitney is God's answer to me.

Today I am thankful for a God who knows our needs better than we do.

Holes in the floor of Heaven...

Sometimes there are words to songs that can explain how I am feeling much better than I can, and I want to copy down those lyrics so that you can learn from them.  One of those songs is "Holes in the Floor Of Heaven."  This one would be for all three of you, Chip, Shelby & Cole - please know that no matter what happens or how my life plays out that I love you all more than life itself.

One day shy of 8 years old, grandpa passed away. 
I was a broken hearted little boy, blowing out that birthday cake.
How I cried when the sky let go, with a cold & lonesome rain...
Mama smiled and said don't be sad child, grandma's watching you today.
Cause there's holes in the floor of heaven, and her tears are pouring down.
That's how you know she's watching, wishing she could be here now.
And sometimes if you're lonely, just remember she can see,
There's holes in the floor of heaven and she's watching over you and me.
Seasons come and seasons go, nothing stays the same,
I grew up, fell in love, met a girl who took my name.
Year by year, we made a lif in this sleepy little town.
I thought we'd grow old together, Lord I sure do miss her now.
But there's holes in the floor of heaven & her tears are pouring down,
That's how I know she's watching, wishing she could be here now.
And sometimes when I'm lonely, remember she can see,
There's holes in the floor of heaven and she's watching over you and me.
Well my little girl is 23, I walk her down the aisle.
It's a shame her mom can't be here now, to see her lovely smile.
They throw the rice, I catch her eye as the rain starts coming down. 
She takes my hand and says Daddy don't be sad, cause I know Mama's watching now.

I do want to make a couple of comments about this song.  It is a beautiful song, and no matter what I may miss in your lives whether it be proms, graduations, weddings and even births, I WILL BE WATCHING  you from heaven.  If there are any tears I am able to shed, it would only be tears of JOY because I love you and am proud of you.  Remember this is not our permanent home, so if I make it there first, I will only be wishing that you are THERE IN HEAVEN with me.

Friday, February 24, 2012

It is amazing to me how much drama goes with having a girl. Someone is always upset with the other…Wednesday I had to go get her from school because she was so emotional and one of her friends was ugly to her so how do you say no when your daughter is telling you she needs you. I wish I had better answers for her on dealing with them but I’m not sure it would help.
Drama or no drama...I am so thankful for my precious daughter that God has given us to raise.

Wednesday, February 25, 2012

Wow, I have been in a serious depression since I got back on Sunday. It was probably good that Monday was president’s day & the kids were out of school because it gave us a chance to have Cole’s birthday party at the bowling alley. It was actually an arcade & pizza party and he had a great time. Jill was there with both Zach & Eli, Jana was there with Jacob & Jack, Kay was there with TJ & Summerlyn and Michelle was there with Ben. It was good to get a chance to talk to them & catch up. But then chip left for Orlando after that and won’t be back til Friday. It’s not him being gone that has been so hard this time… I just don’t have it in me to get up & get the things done that actually make me feel better. I can’t tell you last time I stayed in bed all day but I did yesterday. I read for a while and then about 1pm, I went to sleep and didn’t get up til 9pm. Got the kids in bed & went back to bed. These are the days when I wish I had someone to help me pick up & clean up. This morning I was up at 4:20! Tried to read, and do some dishes but there is so much to do that it is overwhelming so I do nothing!

Today is Ash Wednesday and I have been praying about what to give up…lately I have been convicted about my online spending so I think that is what I am giving up. I have been buying things online because it is so easy so I have decided if I need something bad enough, then I will find a way to get to a store & buy it…which I hate doing.

Another thing I have been convicted of is the way I have been treating Chip…it is certainly not the way a wife should treat her husband. I don’t take the time to listen to him and I do not appreciate all that he does for me. If I were him, I would not be so patient with me. Sometimes I feel like I treat him as if he is my friend and the person who raises our children with me. I know God wants better for him and I am praying that I will find a way to be that to him. We are going to Las Vegas next month for our 16th anniversary…I am praying that it is a time of reconciliation for us. 

I am thankful for my husband who totally understands me for the good and really bad...I love him.

Fabulous Girl's Weekend

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


This past weekend, I had a much needed girl’s weekend. Me, Nicki, Laura, Meg, Katie and Cary all left Friday afternoon for Chattanooga. But by the time we were all STARVING and thankfully we found a fabulous Japanese steak house…I even had tofu! We went back to our room which  was pretty great because it was a suite w/2bedrooms & 2 baths…it slept 8. I slept in the king bed with Laura and I was exhausted so I was out quickly. We were up at 8 and went down for breakfast and then got ready for a day of shopping, eating and then we had to be at the spa at 2pm.. I ended up getting a 1hr massage and a pedicure. It was wonderful! We went to another great Italian restaurant that night and again, we came back & got in our jammies and went to sleep.  A girl can't ask for a better day than that and for better friends to spend the day with.  I am so thankful for my precious friends who "take care of me" and I am thankful that it doesn't matter how long we haven't seen each other, nothing changes...except some of us are getting older & grumpier in our old age!!  

Friends

I have included quite a bit about some of the guys in my life that have made a difference in who and where I am today but there are so many more friends that have "put up with me" through the years.  The first one I think of is Jill Hutcheson Loyd...She was my first friend in kindergarten and we stayed friends through jr. high, high school, and now our boys are really good friends!  One of the best things about our friendship was how close we lived to each other...we lived on the same road so our mom's would let us walk halfway to meet each other.  One of my favorite years in school would be our ninth grade year when we did the yearbook together.  The group of girls that made up our staff had no clue what we were doing but we did have a lot of fun!  Jill was not like me...although she was beautiful, she did not feel the need to "have a guy" all the time.  The very best part about our friendship was the 3 years we worked together at Opryland.  She & I had both had connections so we were able to get jobs that you usually have to be 18 for...we worked in the admissions center and sold everything from season passes to grand old opry tickets.  Because we rode in together, we almost always got the same schedule.  We even worked in the winter for a few hours a week when the General Jackson had cruises... These times were definitely some of my favorite from high school!  It was during our junior year that I had world history with Ben Loyd...funny, me, him & Jill were all in the same kindergarten class and had been in school together all the way through... But that year, Ben asked me to "fix him up" with Jill.  I did and as they say, the rest is history!  Jill went to Tennessee Tech and Ben did too for a while...it was a few years before she finished nursing school and then they were married.  It's funny how so many things change and yet they don't...  I would never have thought that I would have a child going over to Jill & Ben Loyd's house for sleepovers but I wouldn't trade anything for it!!  They have Zach, who is a few months older than my Cole and I LOVE that they have been in school together since kindergarten and they have played ball together... It doesn't get much sweeter than that.

By the way...

I forgot to mention that I am going to ask a few special friends to help me with some of my special memories so that I don't forget them.  I am going to see if they will post them on this blog & if they have pictures, hopefully they can attatch them. 

Sex, Marriage, & Fairytales

 Bet I got your attention with that title!!?  If you are able, check out this video on youtube...  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4OK9DmLpCY  Sex, Marriage & Fairytales...How to make sure your daughter doesn't end up on "The Bachelor."  This guy has several other videos about growing up but it just goes along...again...with what I've been saying about how important the father and daughter relationship is in a girl's life.  And if a father doesn't show her how she deserves to be treated.  It is easy for me to point out things in my life that are a benefit to Shelby but I worry about Cole becuase I'm not sure how to do that.  Thankfully he has not yet become interested in girls but I pray we are modeling the correct way a young man should be treating a young lady.  And PRAY! 
I stopped yesterday with me and Chip together and him in Murfreesboro.  I knew within a few months that we had something different..very special.  Chip was so different.  He was so much fun, thoughtful, caring, and unselfish and we NEVER FOUGHT...which was wonderful!  How could I not be in love him?  I knew that God had given me a chance to turn my life around and I would be so stupid to mess it up.  The song "God Blessed the Broken Road" fit us perect.  We started talking about marriage that summer.  Yes, it was soon, yes, I was young but we were in a hurry.  We were engaged by that August and actually married by the following March.  March 9, 1996....I was only 20 and he was 26.  We didn't have very many pennies to rub together but we moved into a rental house from my mom in Donelson.  I still had 9 months of school left.  We got married during my spring break and I was back at school that monday.  We had to wait until summer to take a honeymoon which was a wonderful cruise to the bahamas and 3 days at disney world.  But it was Great!!!  We were happy and didn't know things were hard.  I drove to Clarksville and he drove to Murfreesboro every day.  I went to school that summer and did my student teaching that fall.  There were no teaching jobs available due to my graduating in December, I took a job at Southminster Presbyterian Daycare teaching 3 year olds.  Another important thing that happened to us during this time was that we started looking for a church.  We had visited a couple when we ran into Jonathan Crumpton at a Trevecca graduation, he told us he was the music minister at Hermitage Church of the Nazarene and invited us to come.  We visited the following week...sometime in July...and we knew we had found our home.  The people were wonderful and we loved Pasor Howard immediately.  We got involved in a ss class - the Kaleo Class which was mostly newlyweds in their 20's & 30's without children.  We went on a fall retreat with them that fall and I met someone who would make a huge difference & still does today.  Marla Houser was the only one with a baby.  Alex was about 10 months at that time.  We rode up together in the church van and her husband, Brad, was coming up later.  We realized that we actually lived on the same street in Donelson.  Of course that weekend, we made some other amazing friends...like the ones you keep for life.  Mike and Carol Waller, Kevin & Wendi Harrison, and Kevin & Kim Davenport.  They, alsong with Brad & Marla Houser are friends we have now had for 16 years.  We have celebrated births, every new year, christmas', halloweens, vacations, super bowls.  As well as dealt with miscarriages, diseases, deaths, & job losses. We have also added April & Billy Swoner to our group in the past few years which is a huge blessing because she and I grew up together in church at Lakeview.  She knows me well.  I have no doubt that God has put these people in my life and we are so blessed.  Tired of typing but I've got a surprise for tomorrow!!

more to the story..

I guess I need to go on with my story and get to the point... Jason and I started dating and had several off and on times between the December of our junior year and the first semester of our sophomore yr in college.  Our off and on times were mostly because he knew me better than myself a lot of the times and he would call me on it.  He could see that I was "needy" and always wanted to analyze why!  Once we got past trying to figure out how to date your best friend, we really were a great couple.  We visited several colleges together and had decided to both go to MTSU but when I got a scholarship from Austin Peay, we changed our plans.  The summer after we graduated I hurt him so badly that things began to change and were never the same.  Our first semester of our freshman year was hard because we both kept hurting each other.  The second semester, he joined Sigma Chi and I pledged Alpha Delta Pi.  And we stayed broken up for most of that semester and that summer.  That summer, I did a lot of thinking about what I wanted and I decided that was Jason.  But we could not continue hurting each other... if we were going to get back together, it was going to be for good.  We made plans one night to talk about us and what we wanted, however, he never showed up to meet me.  While I was waiting for him, he got asked out by another girl and they ended up together for the next 2 years.  I was heartbroken... I wish I could say I handled it well, but I didn't. I did many things I regret and dated guys I shouldn't have.  All of this time I could have been spending time with my girlfriends but I didn't.  It was as if I always needed a guys attention.  I am so sorry for the good times and memories I missed out on back then.  I totally understand why God wants us to "guard our hearts" because once you have given a piece of your heart away, you cannot ever get that back.  It was February of my sophomore year and I was at the Sigma Chi house for a party.  And that is when Chip asked me out.  Chip lived in Knoxville at the time and he had come in to Clarksville (where his family is) to celebrate his birthday.  At first I was a bit hesitant because the 2 other times I had met him he was a bit "sure of himself."  The first time being when he & Norm had come into town for Brother's Day and they ran into me & Jason (who was a  pledge at the time).  And when he found out I was an ADPI alpha, he proceeded to tell me how long he had dated the president of the sorority so he knew all these "secret things I didn't).  Which wasn't true but he still irritated me.  The second time I ran into him was the following homecoming when he had again. come into town for the party.  I was there with a friend because they guy I was dating at the time was working.  And because I was there with a friend, he took it upon himself to turn up the charm.  Which he's good at when he tries!  We did finally dance a dance together....the Cowboy ChaCha to the song Neon Moon by Brooks and Dunn.  So it was several months before I ran into him again and like I said I wasn't so sure about him but he asked me to meet him back at the Sigma Chi house the next night for the Super Bowl party and I agreed.  Of course he was in Knoxville but he asked me if he could call and he did a couple of times that week.  He also asked me if we could go out the following weekend if he came into town and I agreed.  I remember it not being a real date because he took me to another party but at least we got to talk & know each other better.  It was about this time I realized I had totally misjudged him.  He was actually a pretty incredible guy and that scared me... not like other guys at all!  It was either the following or the next that he asked me to come to Knoxville and go up to a chalet in Gatlinburg with his friends Norm & Robyn.  Norm was his roommate and Robyn also lived in Clarksville.  The weekend was amazing...I was falling pretty hard.  At this point I brought him home to meet my parents and of course they loved him. Dad offered "to leave a ladder outside my window" so you can come get her!  It was also about this time that Chip got a promotion to the Murfreesboro store... we were so excited!  No more driving back and forth to Knoxville!

Why all those boys?

There are so many memories of my childhood that I don't want to forget or I may not be able to remember that I really want to tell about some of my issues growing up and what I believe caused them.  If you've read from 3 years ago, you know that my mom, Kaye and my daddy, Jerry had me when they were 30 & 32... 1975.  At that point, Angie was already 7 and Kim came along exactly a year & 2 weeks later.  During those years, we lived at our house on Matterhorn Drive in Shiloh.  My grandmother, Corrine Hall Sellars, was in a nursing home (with HD) in Smithville, so that is the only way we ever knew/saw her.  But my grandfather, Frank Sellars, who lived in Alexandria, would come and visit almost every Saturday morning.  Both my dad and my grandfather were the type of men who believed it was pretty much the woman's job to do everything.  So he would show up early on Saturday expecting mom to fix them breakfast.  My dad would also give my sister, Angie, hard jobs to do fo a 10-12 year old.  She did all of the outside work and they watched.  My daddy also had a short temper and could get violent.  He was always hitting my mom and us.  I can remember one day he knocked her out cold... I ran outside screaming that my mom needed help because she was dead.  He also liked to use his biggest belt with holes in it to spank us...often. Still to this day, I am not sure how much of his "personality" was caused by HD and how much was just him.  I do know my mom says he was like this even before they were married and he was unfaithful several times.  Needless to say, ours was not a peaceful home.  When I was about 5, he went and spent a couple of days at the VA hospital to run tests to see if he was showing signs of HD.  He was beginning to have a few movements and he felt his memory wasn't as good at work.  The tests at that time were not clear but they did send him to a neurologist who put him on Haldol.  Unfortunately there were no antidepressants then and there were no drugs to help with chorea.  The haldol was to help with his moods but it can have serious side affects.  On Sunday, November 7, we had plans to go to my mom's parents(mama evelyn & granddaddy) for granddaddy's birthday.  We went to our church and afterward we were going to come home & get daddy & to to Alexandria (where they lived).  When we got home, my mom found my daddy dead in our garage.  He had shot himself with a shotgun in his head.  This day would forever change the course of our lives.  No personal note... My mom, at 37, had to step up and help raise 3 girls while she was grieving.  During this time, we became more involved in our church, Lakeview Baptist, and they were such a comfort to us all.  It was just us 4 girls for a few months until my mom started dating...which did not go over well.  The summer after his death, she was introduced to Travis Hearn who was the brother to a friend from church.  They hit it off immediately and wanted to get married!!  He also had 2 sons, Chip who was 17 and in his sr. year at McGavock and Trevor, who was 13.  Obviously there were no homes around that might hold us all so Travis decided they would "add on" 3 bedrooms, 2 baths , a dining room & living room!!  It was crazy!  Until it got built, Chip lived in Hendersonville w/his grandmother, and Angie shared her bed w/me or Kim.  And the other tiny room had 2 twin beds in it where Trevor and me or Kim would sleep.  Talk about Brady Bunch!!  It sounds wonderful but for a few years it was rocky...  Travis wanted Chip & Trevor to treat my mom like their own mom which wasn't realistic... and Angie was horrible to Travis.  Me and Kim tried hard to stay out of arguments.  But when they married on September16, 1983...my daddy had not been dead a year.  Looking back, I think why in the world didn't we have some kind of help/counseling but we didn't.  And I feel like many of my choices in my life have been made because I never had a great relationship with a "father figure" until my teens and by that point it was too late.  I was lonely for male attention.  I was the girl in the 5th grade that had a "boyfriend" I hardly talked to.  And in 6th grade I had my first date with Daniel Rieffer from church.  He was in 7th grade and was in Junior High & he invited me to their spring dance!  Parents let me go because his parents were taking us and picking us up... just to put my input in here... Kids are a bit too young in 6th grade to be "going on any date!"  Our church was also different than the one we are at now...thank goodness!  They didn't mind, actually encouraged the whole boy/girl friend thing.  Because after all, we were with other church kids, right?  ;)  In junior high, it was one boyfriend after another...if I found out a boy liked me, I would sometimes break up w/my current one just to "go with this one!"  Jeremy Perger, 15 and from chuch...too old for an 12 year old, was the one I "dated"/fought with thru most 7,8 & 9th grade.  And it got way too serious for kids our age.  Then there was Jerry Baskin, who I dated from halfway through 9th grade to halfway thru 11th.  Again, he was 2 years older and from church.  At least I was old enough by then to begin to truly understand  love, however, at that point in my life, I still didn't know who I was.  So, everything Jerry liked, Anita liked.  He loved watching baseball and we spent hours eating banana popcicles and watching the Braves...He also had/has a wonderful family that would include me in their trips and drive me to his games.  He went to Friendship Christian School and graduated 2 years ahead of me.  I guess that's when things started changing for the both of us.  He was still trying to figure out what he wanted to do and I was beginning to want to stretch my wings.  Which leads me to the relationship that, except for Chip, has probably changed my life the most.  Jason Hass and I had become instant friends in 9th grade... Mr. Climer's class.  He sat at the front of the room and I sat in the same row in the very back.  When we would finish our work, Mr.Climer would let us talk...which always meant Jason would come to the back of the row and sit on the floor to talk.  Most of the friends I had were from elementary or I had at least known them since 7th grade but Jason was new that year.  He was originally from Michigan and he had spent a year in Bellevue before they moved to MJ to be closer to his dad's job in Lebanon.  Jason was always ready for an argument but could also make you laugh in a second.  It was that year that Jason made me a promise... he was going to win my heart by the time we graduated and he was going to marry me...again always a jokester!  Obviously, Jerry didn't care for Jason as my friend and the feelings were mutual!  Jason had a November birthday so he was always almost a year older so in 10 grade he got his license and a job a Food Max.  That summer, when I was still 15, I remember having my wisdom teeth out and he came over to visit.  I was craving a 2cheeseburger meal from McDonalds and he went & got it for me..he would also take me home from school sometimes when he didn't have to work or play ball.  When I turned 16, Jerry and I were still serious, in fact he gave me a promise ring.  During this time Jason also started dating a friend of ours named Mandy and we even double dated at a valentine banquet from TroySimpson's church(he was my date).  It was the end of November in our jr year and Jason's birthday (22nd) had just passed and he and Mandy had just broke up...as well as me and Jerry.  To cheer him up, my best friend (Jill Hutcheson) and I decided to take him to the football game that friday night.  It was one of the coldest games I have ever been to!!  But we were each sitting with Jason in the middle and having fun.  We also had a blanket over us.  And that is when Jason Hass first held my hand... I know it was for warmth but it was also the first time I seriously gave thought to what it would be like to be with him???  Of course at that point, I needed another excuse to see him & figure things out so we decided that he & I would finish celebrating his birthday the next day.  We went to eat at "The Cooker" with my sister, KIm and her date, Brad Officer.  And then he and I went to see"Cape Fear."  It was the strangest thing...suddenly we were more aware of each other and I was scared to death. But we did hold hands through the whole movie which felt very right.  I know he was just as confused/freaked out as I was because he asked me that night if we could talk about "what was happening" between us the next afternoon after work. After all, we were the best of friends and the worst thing that we could do is ruin that.   I cannot recall the conversation but I do remember us deciding that we both wanted to give it a try...

Guilt!!!

So, I have a good friend, Gabe Segovia, who found out last summer that he had an inoperable tumor on his brain.  The tumor was wrapped around the thalymus? of his brain and evidently that is not a place you want to be cutting.  So radiation and chemotherapy were the only options which he did and did remarkably well.  The doctors are still amazed at the work that had to be God because it had shrunk by 95% after the first rounds.  He is still doing chemo but no more radiation andhe is doing great.  The reason I titled this "guilt" is because of what Gabe has been doing since he found out about his tumor.  He has been posting everything from his life on facebook.  Every picture from highschool.  Every memory, taking pics of friends now and writing about them.  He has also come to know Jesus through this experience and is has been an amazing journey.  I am jealous that I have not done more to record my life.  I have always been terrible at taking pics and worse about having them developed.  I want to leave something for my husband, kids, famiy, friends and grandkids to know more about who I was.  Last December I had to quit working at the preschool and this past July I had to stop driving.  You would think I would be able to find the time to write a little a day but I always put it off. 
One of the hardest parts is not knowing where to start because there is so much that has happened that has gotten me where I am right now... today.  So, I decided to simply start with today, which actually has started out to be pretty good.  Cole plays on the Upward Basketball team at church and Chip is his coach.  This is their 7th year playing.. a bit sad that this will be his last year since it is only K-6.  My sweet husband is feeling guilty over how badly we beat the other team... they only scored 3 points and we stopped counting at like 50.  Cole scored 3 goals and I was proud! 
Also been thinking a lot about my "Bucket List" lately.  So many places I wanted to see that I know aren't going to happen.  Going to another country for a mission trip has always been a huge dream of mine.  Our church has been going to help out at an orphanage in Africa for the past 6 years but it is very expensive and would be very difficult for me physically.  There is going to be a trip to Peru, however, in October during the kids fall break and it is much less extensive than Africa...as well as cheaper.  We are thinking about me and shelby going.  I have really got to pray that this is something I can really do because I cannot back out once I've committed & 2 weeks away is a long time. 
I've been trying to talk to Shelby about "matters of the heart" because I'm afraid I won't be around when it counts.  This goes for Cole too...the thought of either of them getting their hearts broken hurts me becuase I remember.  And if I could spare them that, I would!  This quote I found today is great...

As you grow up, you will have your heart broken more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it feels when yours was broken.  You'll fight with your best friend.  You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.  So take too many pictures.  Laugh too much and love like you've never been hurt.  Because every 60 seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.


There is also a song sung by Lee Ann Womack title " I Hope You Dance " and it has a special place in my heart.  I want my kids to remember that there will be times in life when life isn't easy but I don't want that to stop that from taking chances.

"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder.  You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger. May you never take one single breath for granted.  God forbid love ever leave you empty handed.  I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean.  Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens.  Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance.  When you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.  I hope you dance.
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance.  Never settle for the  path of least resistance.  Living might mean taking chances but it's worth taking.  Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making.  Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter.  When you come close to selling out, reconsider.  Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance.  And when you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.  I hope you dance!!

That says it all  doesn't it!!?

I need your help... I am trying to

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